Why Parents Need To Hear The Word ‘NO’
Can anyone forget the iconic scene when Amrish Puri gripped his daughter’s wrist tightly while she struggled to twist it free? How his eyes raged in fury and how Kajol whimpered, begging him to let her go?
Countless Bollywood films have been made on one premise - how families are against the union of lovers and how not one of them says ‘We don’t give a damn’ and goes ahead anyway.
Ever since we were children, we have been recited stories and moral lessons on how keeping our parents happy is one of the noblest goals to strive for, and how their sacrifices deserve payback in the form of complete obeisance.
We’re given subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) hints that they should go from being the reason we exist to the reason for our existence.
As a child, my parents were the epitome of all I wanted to be. I felt that somehow, they could fix everything that went wrong and would always know what to do. I did not grow up in a household with too many conversations. When required, I was mostly told what to do and when it wasn’t, I was left to my devices. Yet, every time that I was faced with any decision, I craved my father’s validation. In my head, he just seemed to know best. Little did I realize that it was crippling me in a way that would come back to bite me.
Parental control starts while children are still forming their world-view. It is a crucial time, one during which parents should encourage a sense of curiosity and introspection in kids. Instead, Indian parents seem to instill their views tainted by their experiences, in their children. This impressionable age becomes a pivotal point in determining the degree of control they shall retain over their kids. And while parents do need to guide children and teach them right from wrong, they must also encourage them to discover their own rights and wrongs. The guiding must also transform into advising as they get older.
But the journey from making decisions for their children to coaching them into making their own is somehow suspended in a limbo of ‘we know what’s best for you.’
There is a blatant disregard for individualism and the right to personal choice in matters like religion, morals, choice of partner, sexuality, career choices, to name a few.
For a while now, I’ve been quite certain that I would like to adopt a child someday. And when this is discussed amongst friends, the most common response I receive is - ‘Will your parents and in-laws be alright with that?’ At first, I thought that question was incredulous. Why must any parent exercise any control over a decision of such a personal nature? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is just an extension of the kind of control they hold over most decisions in our lives.
This makes me wonder why we can’t just say no? Why do we think that saying no to our parents is more or less asking them to shove off? At this point, I also question myself - why do I think that my father has all the answers? Moreover, why do I think that his answers are going to be the right answers? My parents have lived in a different time, they are different people. The truth is that I am a completely different person. No one is more equipped to make decisions for my life than I am.
Somehow, like most other people, I had created a phantasm of dependence on my parents.
It is a common fallacy, constructed over years of being told what to do and an arsenal of emotional blackmail and intimidation tactics, that has rendered us into believing that we need their validation at every step. Even as adults, when there exists no real dependence, the yearning for their approval persists.
What I have learned the hard way is that most Indian parents simply do not set boundaries. They have to be painfully drawn by children and communicated in clear terms to them. I was a model child all my life, obedient and respectful. Until there came a point when I questioned all the life choices I had ever made. I questioned my career decisions, my marriage, and my limited dreams. I realized that most of my decisions had not really been mine at all. Like a flow chart, my life had followed the direction chosen by my family, until I was left at the end of the chart, with limited options. And though the final decision was made by me, I was unaware that the path leading up to those choices was predecided.
As I finally mustered up the strength to let go of everything that no longer served me, I faced the biggest hurdle of all - my family’s wrath. They seemed to know what’s best for me, seemed to want to push me back into the circumstances I had worked so hard to get out of. I had shaken their morals and ideals and become a threat to their social standing.
I am still at the juncture where I must decide, all by myself this time. Do I put all the things I truly desire on the line to please my family or do I say ‘no’ finally? It is a difficult decision, no doubt, but one that I see with more clarity as the days pass. I feel the fear of the unknown that keeps creeping up, debilitating me at times, making me almost want to settle for the certainty of the life I’ve known, however unsatisfactory. I also feel freedom beckoning to me, asking me to be brave, unfurl my wings and take a leap. I know I could fall, and I know I could fly. But what I know most certainly is that if I do learn to fly, I shall never settle for crawling again.