Self-love vs loving yourself
Self-love is now a far cry from the virtue Socrates prescribed - “…once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves, but otherwise we never shall.” As modern-day consumerist culture would have us believe, self-love can be bought. Years of conditioning by people external to us make us question our self-worth, and capitalist markets cash in on it, their shiny new products the perfect bait for our insecurities.
Hard day at work? Treat yourself to a five-star spa experience. Feeling depressed? Buy that giant tub of ice cream. Or maybe a new pair of shoes. Life isn’t exciting enough? Take that expensive trip to Europe.
The answer to every emotional inadequacy seems to be to spend the cash and accumulate things.
The huge industrial factories churning out mass production have a lot to lose if people actually begin to like themselves. It works very much in their favour that human beings struggle with self-doubt and anxieties. Advertisers play on precisely those emotions by leading people by the hand into a world full of pina coladas and bath bombs. Their subtle manipulations look decadent as they shame people into discarding clothes worn more than twice or buying the latest iPhone because what would life be without your phone recognizing your face? For mass production to sustain itself, there needs to be a ready market of millions looking to buy their way into being happier or cooler.
It is not just advertisers however, who force this pill down our throats. The word influencer has come about for a reason. As people display typical herd mentality and try to emulate their favourite Instagram celebrities or movie stars, they get caught up in the overreaching arms of consumerism. The problem thus created is a vicious cycle of never feeling good enough and reaching out for the next coolest thing in the market to distract oneself. Market forces reap the benefits as the dopamine-laden consumer culture poses as a substitute for self-care.
Contrary to what the growing sisterhood on social media would have us believe, self-love really is not about reaching for that dessert while one eats their way to obesity.
While on some occasions, all we might need could be a nice fragrant bath or a couple of candles in the room, self-love is a larger feeling, not dependent on anything external. It is less about what you do and more about respecting and nurturing yourself, less about the periphery and more about one’s core of being. The more you respect your mind and body, the more you nurture it - exercise, meditate, see your therapist, learn a new skill, surround yourself with uplifting people. It is highly doubtful that a new dress or car will make up for the self-loathing that our childhood brought about, or that a growing follower base on social media will rid us of our loneliness. As Erich Fromm boldly states in his book The Art of Loving -
“The principle underlying capitalistic society and the principle of love are incompatible.”
Great things happen when people feel an innate sense of love for themselves. True self-love is quite antithetical to the consumerist behaviour bordering on selfishness. In a similar line of philosophy as Socrates, Aristotle stresses on loving one’s character. Psychology Today elucidates -
Your character is who you are. To understand yourself is to know your character. To love yourself is to love your character.
So, who has the right sort of self-love? Aristotle’s answer is that the virtuous person has the right sort of care and concern for his moral character. The virtuous person with the right sort of self-love loves his virtues and character. He loves generosity, benevolence, bravery, loyalty, and trustworthiness. He acts in ways that spread these. He doesn’t love them as possessions; one cannot hoard virtues. He doesn’t love them because they get him things like having others in his debt or the esteem of others. Virtues are not a means to any end other than virtues.
There seems to be an emphasis on knowing oneself, and loving one’s true being. So while introspection forms the first and very necessary step to self-love, it is also accepting ourselves in our truest element that forms the equally important second step. As Joan Didion writes in Slouching towards Bethlehem -
“We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not,”
One may not find themselves perfect upon lengthy introspection (an indicator that one is on the right track), but one also needs to accept what cannot be changed while striving to improve what can. The implications of loving one’s virtues and constantly working towards being better manifest into better societies and better relationships - relationships that are more meaningful than the one between you and Siri.
Self-love may literally translate into loving oneself but it commonly also translates into loving humankind.
Modern-day self-love borders dangerously on narcissism while all scholars of love concur that the practice of love must encompass community.
If the love you shower on yourself is limited to pampering yourself, maybe it is more hedonism and less self-love. If it does nothing for your well-being, it probably serves the economy more than you. What else could explain why people spend increasingly more but depression remains at an all-time high? By all means, flaunt those tummy rolls, but also ensure that you do what it takes to feel healthy and fit. Go on that vacation to Paris, but let the thrill of travel guide you and not your Instagram squares.