It’s Time We Got Over Ourselves

Last night, after a long work day, I settled into my corner and picked up my book, the anticipation of the words dissipating my fatigue almost making me cheerful. It was at that very moment that my friend called to discuss something very ‘important’. I had no choice but to console her over yet another conversation between her love interest and her which bordered on mundane (mundane to me, monumental to her). My eyes squeezed in frustration and despite the soothing words leaving my mouth, all I wanted to say was - ‘It’s not a big deal!’

The problem with this selfie-obsessed generation of ours is that we think we’re really important. Years of privilege, with families providing for almost all our whims lest one fat tear rolls down our face, have brought with it an entitlement to be the center of the universe.

Naturally, like sunflowers, we look where the right stimulus is available - social media, empathetic friends, therapists and anyone who’ll listen without saying ‘it’s not a big deal. You’re not a big deal.’

Marcus Aurelius, one of the most loved and important Emperors in Roman history, wrote to himself repeatedly to remind himself that he was, in reality, not that big of a deal. We all ought to take time to consider doing the same, it might work wonders for our mental health. In no way is this directed at people suffering from mental health problems. My vexation is with the growing trend of loving ourselves to the point of narcissism. While for the former, a therapist is the right person to approach, for many of us, a reality check jolting us out of our self-absorbed stupor would suffice.

This level of self-importance may have been worthwhile if it actually led to higher self-worth and self-esteem. What it achieves though, is quite the opposite. We routinely overthink conversations and encounters to attempt to solve problems that do not exist. We’re stuck on a one way street of ‘But why did they say this…?’ when the other party has long left - and in all probability, has no idea that they created a flurry of micro thoughts in our brain that might snowball and explode. We make ourselves miserable trying to fit into jeans never meant for our body type, gaze repulsively at our stretch marks and use one out of the gazillion filters available to garner instant validation. It would serve us to remember that no one really cares about us as much as we do. 

From the same school of stoicism as Marcus, Seneca, in one of his famed letters writes - 

There are more things likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.

What Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and countless other proponents of stoicism are perhaps trying to expound is that life is better lived with an emphasis on doing our best, rather than worrying about outcomes. One of the more dangerous ramifications of our self-absorption is the tendency to cover up the ugly parts of ourselves without actually doing the work to make ourselves better. We cry, crib and conceal. And then we look towards others to make ourselves feel better. 

In a paradox of sorts, the more we remind ourselves that we’re not really a big deal, the more confident we grow. Maybe the way to go is to take life seriously, but not ourselves. Once we stop taking our days for granted, we shall choose where to invest our time and emotions. When we stop taking ourselves seriously, we shall realize the futility of our worries, most of which simply do not matter. We might even come to the happy conclusion that life is indeed long enough for all worthwhile endeavours - and that spending it over trivialities might result in it passing us by.